Hi. Hello. Is this thing on?

Thou shalt explain where thyself has been.....

Oh goodness. Here we go again with the whole “um hi, it’s me, I know it’s been a hot minute since I last wrote…”

Hot minute, um it will be six years in March since I last strung words together, formed sentences, and graced you all with my satirical writing presence.

So where did I go? You might be asking yourself. It’s fair to assume COVID-19 got me, considering my last post landed at the height of quarantine and shutdown. But alas, that is not the case. I am alive and well, kicking butt and taking names in the great state of Texas.

So what have I been doing these last five or six years? I could tell you… or I could make a game out of it. Let’s play Two Lies and One Truth. I’ll give you three reasons for my absurdly long absence, and you decide which scenario is real. Or at the very least, which one you hope is real.

Let’s begin.

Scenario Number One:

I just finished doing five years in a minimum-security prison after accidentally defrauding a small incorporated group of Elvis impersonators. I didn’t read the fine print, which required two daily performances in full costume and some very “creative” bookkeeping. Things escalated quickly. Never underestimate a community built on rhinestones and led by a man named Big Al Presley.

Scenario Number Two:

I traded in my hobby of writing for the racetrack. After three years of all-in, day-and-night training, I became the hottest and fastest thing to hit the speedway since Mario Andretti. My debut year saw me make it to the qualification rounds before barely missing the cut. One year to the day later, your girl, driving the number 21 car sponsored by E.L.F., Prairie Farms, and Iams Cat Food, made it all the way to the winner’s circle, where I kissed the bricks, drank the milk, and promptly retired at the top of my game.

I told reporters my retirement was largely to give the next underdog a chance. The real reason was that when you go that fast in a oval for hours on end, you get dizzy and worst of all, SiriusXM can’t find a signal, and I simply can’t live that way.

Scenario Number Three:

Life happened.

I joked earlier about not being “got” by COVID, and while I wasn’t taken down permanently, my mental health took a beating. At one point, we counted on the calendar that I hadn’t left the house in 34 days. I slept most of that year away, and when I was awake, it was usually while the rest of the world, or at least my part of it, was asleep.

When I finally crawled out of my depressed binge-watching era, I crawled right back into the working world. In the two jobs I’ve had since my last post, I learned new skills, overcame fears, and stayed busier than I ever had before. Oddly enough, both jobs kept me writing, whether it was a city newsletter or blog content for a local company.

So Why Come Back? Why Now? Why Again?

Whoah, cool it with all the questions, I'm getting there.

You see, the fun thing about depression and anxiety is that they ebb and flow like ocean waves, and this year (well 2025) hit me like a tsunami. My therapist suggested getting back into writing as an outlet. You know, for those moments when your brain decides to spiral instead of cope and the only outlet you are intersted in is the one you plug the toaster into before hopping into the bath....See, writing feels like the safer option.

So here’s to relapsing, both in depression and in the writing bug. May this bring me peace and you a little joy and laughter.

If you made it this far in my first post back, tell me in the comments which scenario you thought was real or make up your own fun reason why I dissapeared. The most interesting answer gets a shout-out in my next blog post… seven years from now.

Kidding.

I think.